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Dawn of the Voting Dead

   It has become apparent that Barack Obama's candidacy has energized the formerly living community to the extent that they may be voting in unprecedented numbers this year. ACORN (Association for Cadavers On Rosters Now!) has demonstrated its ability to mobilize this traditionally and quite frankly, lethargic group. The last time the deceased played a major role in the outcome of a presidential contest was in 1960 when Illinois went for John F. Kennedy, thanks largely to his overwhelming support among the previously animated.
   Though fiercely Democratic, the newly departed have stayed away from the polls until recently and this is a testament to Senator Obama's charisma and powerful message for change. In addition, this often-marginalized group tends not to be reflected in polling data. Ask a dead person who they plan on voting for and it's more likely than not that you will be met with complete silence.
   John McCain  has yet to even mention the currently horizontal at any campaign event or debate and the Republican party's neglect of this very influential constituency is sure to cost them dearly in November.
   It is unclear just how active a role the dead might play in an Obama administration, but surely they will demand a place at the table. Will they push for larger cemetaries, universal life insurance or fuel-efficient hearses? Will the issue of greenhouse gas emissions from crematories be swept under the rug? Will Halloween become a national holiday?
  Nonliving Americans have yet to demonstrate their willingness to subsume their own narrow interests for the greater good and pandering to this crowd can only result in an expansion of their necrotic agenda. Life, after all, is for the living. Just don't try telling that to a corpse.
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Just Wondering...

1) Why does my drive-through ATM have Braille keys?
2) Are there any mortagage companies that do not advertise themselves as "equal opportunity lenders"?
3) Why does the Atlantic County Voting Machine Warehouse have four handicapped parking spaces when no handicapped people have
     ever been involved in the warehousing of voting machines?
4) Why do we assume that caballeros are unable to figure out that the word M-E-N  designates the men's bathroom?
5) Would it save paper if we only printed "Not Made in China"?
6) Why do street signs for the library require a drawing of a guy reading a book? Shouldn't someone looking for a library be expected to
     be able to read?
7) Why is it that my friend Mike in NY and myself are the only ones I know who have read Eric Hoffer's "The True Believer", a book
    essential to understanding the Obama phenomenon?
8) Why are so many baby boomers spending $30,000.00 per year to indoctrinate their their college age children to hate America, freedom
    and democracy?
9) Why is someone who places a crucifix in a jar of urine considered an artist?
10) What does Jessie Jackson do for a living?
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My Eleven Year Vacation From Television

    I recently subscribed to cable TV after eleven  television-free years. Deciding to go without it was the greatest thing I ever did for myself and with the zeal of a former smoker, I recommend it to all who will listen. The initial decision was economic. I had recently separated and made the requisite move to a one bedroom apartment in a building whose selling points were its proximity to the county welfare office and the court house. Short on discretionary income, did I really want to spend fifty dollars per month for the privilege of watching television?
    I see now that I had already exhibited signs of nascent television intolorance. Any show with a laugh track had become unwatchable. The adult sitcoms, with their endless double and sometimes single entendres followed by paroxysms of digital belly laughs, could no longer be endured. The local reporter standing in front of a pile of salt during the most insignificant snow flurry saying the same thing every time: "Do not drive unless it is absolutely necessary." The sweeps week reminders to tune in at eleven to find out that something I had thought was completely harmless has actually been slowly killing me. The never ending parade of clueless adult males being ridiculed for their stupidity by women and children. Predictable, boring and most assuredly not worth six hundred dollars per year.
    It's worth noting that this decision was made prior to the advent of reality television and the disappearance of that cute blond girl in Aruba.
   So, I opted not to activate that little wire in my living room and suddenly found myself with an enormous amount of free time- something that everyone wishes they had more of. I became an avid reader of books and newspapers. I spent much more time practicing my musical instruments and actually got better. I wrote letters and went for walks. When my son came to visit, parking him in front of the television was not an option. There is no question that this deepened our relationship. Giving up television is one of the best things a parent with small children can do for them. Nothing is more disheartening than listening to a three year old singing the theme to "Cops" or asking questions about the kinds of subjects typically addressed on TV.
   The benefits of my little experiment to the quality of my life have been immeasurable. Though I have resumed cable service because it came along with my internet, I seem to have become immune to its hypnotic appeal. I have no "favorite shows" and the little time that I do watch, I almost feel like a sociologist, or worse, a rubbernecker gawking at an accident on the highway.
    I urge you to consider giving it up for a period of time, just to see what happens. It will make you a better person.
 
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